Working my Way Toward Becoming an SMC

So, here I am, working my way toward becoming a single mother by choice – reading books and articles, taking advantage of a great local SMC group, haunting the national SMC listserv for insights and information, surfing cryobank donor lists. I’m dotting all the “i"s and crossing all the “t”s, taking a pre-natal vitamins, trying to eat better and get more sleep. I’m making lists and generally trying to stay in control of everything I can.

And I’m laughing. Because if there’s anything I’ve learned from my friends who are parents, my own parents and the kids in my family, it’s that being a good (and not insane) parent has a lot less to do with how in control you are and a lot more to do with how well you deal with all the things you can’t control. And, wow, is this process a test of those skills. I can control which donor I choose; but not his honesty in his profile, or diseases that haven’t manifested yet in his family (come on, his parents are barely older than I am!), or how he’ll feel in 18 years about being an “open” donor. I can’t control what the mix of genetics will be, or what that means for my child. But I can remember that my own mother often jokingly “apologizes” for the traits I’ve inherited, like “sorry you got the fussy-about-how-the-dishwasher-is-loaded gene” or “you come by that low-threshold-for-idiots thing honestly”. Even with two parents, or a known donor, you can't control which things, good or bad, shine through.

I can do my best to not worry about all those things I can’t control. I can listen to music that centers me and makes me feel strong. I can seek out the people in my life who support and encourage me and avoid the ones who don’t. And on the days all that doesn’t work, I can have a glass of wine and try again tomorrow. I’m working on keeping my sense of humor; on embracing the crazy, wonderful absurdity of this journey; on not letting my usual mantra of “but what if…” get in the way of the joy. And I’m still laughing.

Robyn, 39, getting ready to TTC

"If I Could Turn Back Time..."

40 sucks for me at this time. I was looking forward to it; now I feel like a fool for being excited. I am sad that I have not done all I wanted to at this point. I am trying not to focus on the negative but right now I am not feeling very positive.

I joined Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and now I am getting emails from the listserv. I purposely signed up for this because I wanted to learn from women who are in similar situations to mine and who have been through the journey I am undertaking. They have several awesome groups you can join including "Thinkers", "Community", "Trying to Conceive", "Pregnant" (or a similar title) and groups for women with children in different age groups. I guess I should have waited to join the Trying to Conceive (TTC) list though. I am hearing about women who have been through more procedures than I will ever be able to afford without successful pregnancies. I am learning that this may be more complicated than I initially thought. For years people have told me, "you have time". What a lie! We don't have time. Time, at some point, is no longer on our side when it comes to fertility. I am reading stories of single women who start TTC in their early 30s. I should have started back then...I was just waiting for "the right man" and "the right time". Gods I want to go back and do this all again!

I had a major freak out/meltdown on Sunday night. I was a complete and utter mess. I SOBBED for a hour or more - venting on FB about how terrible I felt. God/dess bless my friends and one of the women from SMC for helping me through it.

I know I am "pre-worrying" about something that I don't even know will be a problem for me, but I am SCARED!!! I am scared that I "waited" too long. I am scared that I won't get pregnant. I am scared I won't be able to carry to term. I am scared of all possible complications. I am scared I will make the wrong choice in donor (I am SO going to have to order photos!). I am scared I won't be able to afford additional procedures if I need them. I am scared that I will be single for the rest of my life.

I am trying to pull myself together and be proactive. Today I am calling to make an appointment with my primary doctor to see about a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist (if I even need a a referral), I am going to call my insurance to find what benefits (if any) I have in terms of fertility treatments/procedures, and do more research on cryobanks. I have GOT to get over being scared!

Tracie, 40, Thinker